Julia's website
3rd December
Okay so this is another no picture one (sorry) but still important.
I probably didn't sav eany pictures of conversations becuase I was probably too embarrased at the start and too excitd at the end.
This was the day I told you I was gay.
The week prior to this had been difficult for me.
A little while before this I had thought about being gay but certain things like boyfriends and not lking other women kind of re-assured me that I wasn't gay.
But then I met you and (yeah I blame you btw) you couldn't stop me thinking.
That time you came in crying from History, I knew then I couldn't bear to see you sad. I held your hand a watched a show I really wouldn't normally watch because I knew you liked it.
Things like this I forced myself to think about finally.
There were times leading up till now I will never know why you were so patient with me, but I am so grateful you were.
I was baffled. Then I hinted at liking you and if I was gay you not wanting to hang around me so much.
That's when I got your reply and my life has only gone up, you told me you were gay and that you liked me too.
I remeber speicifying how I felt about you and you telling me "no, seriously. I like like you."
I pracitcally danced around my room.
We spoke for a long time after that that night. And we never have quite stopped talking.
I would start speaking to you and we'd get to the point where we would begin deep conversations and I would immediately shut myself off because I could feel myslef getting attached and I wasn't really for it in ll honesty.
But you stayed with me.
The week before you kept asking me what was up and caring about me and it made it so much harder to supress my feelings.
Things I would say to you that could be taken as gay and I'd usually just not think about, I'd start thinking about.
It was an entire week where I was so distracted nd I was so hateful of myself fr being gay, while never being homohobic I never wanted to be gay.
But you made it impossible for me to accept it any other way.
Despite all this self-loathing and thinking I was still somewhat happy. I would smile at your messages. Stay up till 2 in the morning talking to you becuase one of us couldn't sleep.
Pretty sure there were weeks of surviving on 5 hours a night so we could talk more.
Still, near enough I had come to the conclusion that I was gay, but then I had no idea if you were gay or not.
Then I had begun to think about if you were gay or not. I would get odd hints but then I would never be sure (despite all the signposts)
I convinced myself more and more that I was just weird and that you would never be gay and now that I was gay I'd jus thave to silently be your friend.
But then I thought back to my own experiences and Dan pretending to be my friend for years but actually always taking things in a different way. It would be tking advantage of you and I couldn't bear that.
So I decided to come clean with you, you prompted my heavily telling me that you did notice when I would just shut off, and that I've been down, you knew something was on my mind and I needed to tell you.
You've always been able to read me so well and it's so cute but also a bloody nightmare sometimes.
So I came clean. I kept explaining things and finally told you I was gay.
I remember telling you at my mums house while I was lying in bed. I curled up with my hands covering my face and i just didn't touch my phone.
I had every fear of being called weird. Of you thinking I was some creep.
I remeber hearing my phone buz with your replies and just sitting there, both wanting to read your reply asap and also to leave it and pretend it never happened
I remember crawling up to my phone and reading you say "yeah what's the thing?"
i was so confused. We sent like 10 confused messages back and forth because I didn't think you had gotten my message about being gay, then you told me that you knew. You had always known. You hadn't thought otherwise.